MOVING FORWARD

Dear reader,

I am moving forward slowly but surely, and in doing so I have moved L'écrivain to another home.

I am so grateful to all of you for your encouragement, support and for your constant feedback.

I would love you to continue walking with me through this journey as you have played a major role in L'écrivain.

Please visit L'écrivain at our new home and subscribe to us there:

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Kind Regards,
The Writer
Kayley Jane

In The Wilderness

I open my eyes, my face stale from weeping, and look up through the dappled shadows. My fingers maul through the earth beneath me; it is dry and bare.  My ears bleed in the silence. The abandoned atmosphere suffocates me, and I gasp for a breath of life. The endless crowd of towering trees enclose on me as I sit up. Dirt, dust and broken twigs fall from my knotted hair. Thorns, rocks and sticks pierce my bare skin. I realise that I am naked and that I am utterly alone.

It is within this wilderness that I find myself. I have been brought here, but I am forlorn. No matter which direction I walk, or run, or crawl, I still find myself here. In the wilderness.

It is in this place of unmitigated emptiness, uncertainty and disarray that He reveals Himself to me. It is in this vacuum that He sees me in my most raw, unadorned form. He sees me, He knows me, and yet He loves me. It is in His seeing that I am strengthened and made bold. It is in His seeing that the wilderness no longer holds me in fear and weariness. Rather, I am here bound to the process, the refining and the revealing of Him; the mystery.

The ice-wind that once discomforted me, now builds in me character and fortitude. The solitude of the wilderness that once stripped me of myself, now grows in my being a more unfeigned version of me. My nakedness that was once my humiliation, now is my conviction. The abandoned silence that once dejected me, now yields my heart to comprehend even His most inaudible whispers.

I am the soil, the earth, the clay.

He is el roi.



Also see: A Journey

Speaking My Language

I recently read a speech addressed by Ngugi wa Thioung'o at the 2012 Sunday Times Literary Awards. Thioung'o is a Kenyan writer - his work includes novels, short stories, plays and essays, ranging from children's literature to literary and social criticism. In his address, he speaks profoundly on the topic of linguistic power-sharing; culture and the freedom of expression. His words are saturated in revelation and inspiration on two different levels; firstly for the writer, and secondly for the South African. 


For me, as a writer; Thioung'o takes me deeper into the very spirit of 'the writer' with his words:

"But like prophets and seers, writers are driven by a force, an irresistible desire to give to the inner pulses, the material form of sound, colour and word. This desire cannot be held back by laws, tradition, or religious restrictions. The song that must be sing will be sung; and if banned, they will hum it; and if humming is banned, they will dance it; and if dancing is banned, they will sing it silently to themselves or to the ears of those near, waiting for the appropriate moment to explode. Killing the singing goose is the only way of stopping the golden voice of conscience."

For me, as the english-speaking, white South African; I am awakened to the power of language within our context (that being an extremely diverse context which is still experiencing the rippled effects of colonisation, with a total of 11 official languages), and to the more complex reality of the social disposition of each tongue. 

"The second is the democratic access to the means of self-expression... One of the basic, most fundamental means of individual and communal self realization is language. That is why the right to language is a human right, like all the other rights, enshrined in the constitution. It's exercise in different ways communally and individually chosen, is a democratic right."

The words of Thioung'o drive me to the state of hunger. Hunger to appreciate the African language - to acknowledge, perceive and value them. Hunger to learn and humble my own self (my english language and it's social context), so as to lift the African language up. So as to let it rise to it's due place in our beautiful country. I say this in celebration of my language, my culture, the African language, and the African culture - and the beautiful mystery in the yoking of their worlds. It is in this world that I hope to find the writer in me.

Gold Diggin'

Life seems to have this bad habit of getting so busy, that sometimes the weeks all start blurring into one. This is where I keep finding myself lately. I become so caught up by the busyness of the day and the chaos of life that I fail to recognize the pockets of gold hidden in each day and in each person (including myself).

Being busy robs us of our ability to be fully present, to love and interact slowly and deeply, and to properly process the phenomenon of life. We can only truly experience each person and each moment (and all the lessons, inspirations and growth that comes with it), if we go slow. 

Let's live and love slowly - digging for the gold in each moment, and calling out the good in those around us; giving everything and everyone our undivided attention. Let's appreciate life as it happens - moments will soon pass and we will wish we had treasured them more.

Some practical hints to help you go slow:

• Take life in bite-sizes. Don't over commit yourself.
• Make lists. Lots of lists. This will help you to filter your thinking; to put aside the thoughts that you need to remember for later so that you can be fully present and clear minded.
• Take moments throughout the day to be aware of the now. Something that helps me do this is to list my 5 senses - one thing I see; one thing I feel; one thing I smell; one thing I taste; one thing I hear. This also helps me to appreciate the detail of my surroundings and to notice the little things like the smell of coffee in the morning or the faint sound of the wind through the trees outside my window at work.
• Put the phone down. This one is most probably more for myself than anyone else. Whenever I find myself having few seconds of free time I pick up my phone and as my thumb scrolls through Facebook, Instagram or the like, my mind travels through the different times and places of social media rather than being present and here. To minimize this I have loosely scheduled (short) times of the day that are dedicated to social media. 
• Call out the gold. Literally call it out loud. "I love this pen! It writes so smoothly." "Da-yam, looking fine Kayley Jane!" "Good job, old rattling car - you got my ass to work today!" "Flip well done Kayley, I know that was hard for you but we did it!". I know it sounds a little silly when you read them now, but I can testify that these ridiculous words that I say to myself have got me through the toughest of days. Actively choosing to search out the good in a situation and actually speaking them out to myself has started to change my default perspective and has forced me to be in the moment. 

 

So enjoy going slow and digging for gold - perhaps even share your experiences in the comment section below! 

A Cup of Positivi-tea

A few months ago, I started to notice something about myself that I did not like - my new default setting was to complain. As soon as I found myself in familiar company my initial response was to complain, and when I began to notice this it bothered me deeply. I had always been such a cheerful child and this new trait of mine did not quite fit the mould. I wondered when this had started, and where it had come from. I began to check my heart constantly, and to proactively think before I spoke. Remembering to do this proved harder than I thought, as I often would cringe at myself after quickly responding in conversation instead of filtering my thoughts. An interesting observation was that my criticisms were never about others, but rather about my own circumstances. I decided that in order to put an end to this new habit, I would have to consciously speak life over myself and my situations; to focus on the good and to filter my thoughts (what goes in, as well as what goes out). I decided to take control over what shaped my opinions and ideas and to guard my heart. It is fascinating to think how easily our thinking is influenced by the outside world - social media, trends, the gossip girl at work - and how much we take in subconsciously. I must say, I am living much lighter and more joyfully now that I've nipped that one in the bud. That was a close one.



Photo by Paige Bates - Two Pines Media - She is incredibly talented and one of the most creative people I have ever met! Check her out!

A Journey

The past few months have without a doubt been the most trying of times for me personally. It seemed as if one rockfall after another continued to crush me, and it was getting more and more difficult to get back up each time. Each adversity that I faced seemed to make me weaker and weaker until I was not sure I would ever come out the other side. In the midst of such chaos I found myself beginning to accept my new reality and slowly forgetting the Kayley Jane I had always been. 

It wasn't each specific pebble that came falling down upon my head that troubled me; it was the daunting reality that they were all tumbling down at the same time. I felt that any sense of control that I thought I had over my life and my circumstances was stripped from me. I was bare. The hardest part has been having to deal with the aftereffects - constant anxiety, waves of depression, sickness, and the absence of inspiration.  

Although I am still in the boat, the initial waves of disruption and chaos have started to calm. I can finally breathe. This has given me the opportunity to truly reflect on this journey so far. 

While in the disarray, I was convinced that I would be overcome by this - that I would come out broken and battered. Now sitting in the (slowly but surely) calming seas, I realise that I am not broken. I truly and honestly feel stronger. Sitting here, still surrounded by the ripples of the storm I have just gone through, I am surprised by the feeling of gratitude. Even though I had grown bitter and hopeless toward my situation, my relationship with the storm has transformed. I am grateful because it has made me stronger. I am grateful because it has made me more "me" than I was before. A refining process, indeed.

If I can find healing after this (which I have), and if I can find inspiration to grow and create and be truly alive - rather than merely exist - after this (which I have); then surely I have walked a journey worth walking.

I am still very much immersed in the process of healing, but I would like to share the little that I have learned so far. 

• You are not defined by this.

• It will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

• Do not go through this alone. You don't have to be ashamed of your storm; we all have our own.

• Surround yourself with positive people who can remind you of the truth and encourage you when you feel overwhelmed.

• Speak to people who have gone through what you are going through; they will know exactly what they needed to hear when they were where you are now.

• Speak to yourself (and listen to yourself). There have been many times when my body has started to react to my circumstances and I have to tell myself, "Everything is okay". You will be surprised by how much your body responds to what you say and what you set your mind on (even if you are not feeling it).

• Write it down. During times like these, our minds become saturated with thousands of thoughts and anxieties, it becomes hard to evaluate what we are truly feeling or what we believe about our situation. Writing it down daily, and then reading it weekly will help you evaluate your thoughts and feelings more clearly.

It has been rough sailing and I can honestly say that although I have been surrounded by the chaos, I have also been surrounded by incredibly supportive family and friends, and a husband that has relentlessly been there for me. God has truly blessed me. Wow.

Hi there, I'm new.

Dear Bloggersphere,

Please excuse me while I stumble my way through the this' and thats' of blogging. My name is Kayley Jane, and I am new here.

I have just begun a journey. I've developed a newfound love and fascination for words and writing, and in the midst of this affair, a desire and urge to express myself through it, and to stretch the boundaries of my imagination and creative ability.

I am excited to explore my passions, interests and curiosities, and to scatter them across these pages in the hope that I will learn, grow and fall more in love with writing as an art form and a creative outlet. So here I go, in the pursuit of my positively nonsensical world of dreams and ambitions, that perhaps nobody might ever read. Here's to a new season and a new journey.

Yours truly,
Kayley Jane.